Deeper Things

I've had some deep thoughts on my mind lately. Back in the day (you know, pre-Kumquat), I enjoyed journaling and using this blog as a way to work out and share some deeper things. Since the blooming of our little K, there hasn't been as much time or mental energy for such things. It's an interesting paradox because becoming a parent has actually led me to many new insights.

I consider myself to be a spiritual person. I always hesitate to use the word "religious" because it carries so many preconceptions and connotations that I don't think are necessarily accurate for my experience - even though I'm relatively devout in my chosen religion. I think that many of the folks who read my blog now have come here & gotten to know us as parents first and may not know so much about my background. Just a quick glimpse, but spirituality and my identity as a Roman Catholic influenced many important decisions and experiences in my life, such as my college major, some of my most significant college activities (such as this and this), my choice of graduate school, and so on...

Bottom line, even though God is something(one) I think about often, it's not always so easy to share. OK, so that was a super-long digression. :) Really, I just wanted to share a poignant moment I had recently when K & I were visiting my family in Tennessee.

Now that she's getting bigger, I've been trying hard to allow time for the baby girl to soothe herself if she wakes up in the night, rather than rushing in immediately to get her. Sometimes I think that is one of the very hardest things to do! I often end up standing right outside her door, listening to her cry, but trying to give her time and space to learn and grow as she discovers how to help herself settle down and go back to sleep. It doesn't always work. Sometimes she really does need her mommy to come in and cuddle her, change her or give her some milk. I'm finding that more and more often, though, she can do what she needs to do on her own. As I was standing outside the door in her auntie's house a few weeks ago, it struck me how I am always watching over her and won't let harm come to her, but she doesn't necessarily know that. I will let her struggle because it will help her to grow, but I would never abandon her. It breaks my heart to hear her cry and sometimes it takes every ounce of willpower I have to wait just a few more minutes, but I know that if I always swoop in immediately, it won't help her in the long run. My little Kumquat probably felt that she was all alone, but she really wasn't. She really never is. I check on her when she's sleeping and unaware, I watch her from across the room as she plays and explores her world independently, and every tear she sheds truly pierces my heart.

As I stood there in the dark, listening to my baby cry out, I wondered if that is how God feels about us. How often are we crying out, feeling all alone in a dark, scary place and wonder why God doesn't lift us up from our struggles? And if we do find our way out "on our own" does God delight in our growth? I think so. The word "delight" has taken on new meaning to me. I delight in my daughter... in her smile, her laugh, her focused concentration and ever other aspect of her. And as an imperfect, human parent, I can only imagine how much more purely God must delight in His own children. Becoming a parent and cherishing this sweet baby has truly made me stand in awe of the overwhelming love God has for us. I feel so thankful for all the things Little K has helped me to see more clearly already.